Responding to the complaints of thousands of Facebook users on various Save The Hog and Long Live the A-10 pages, engineers have redeveloped the F-35D+ to include a titanium bathtub around the cockpit, at the cost of the aircraft’s onboard electronic warfare suite, as well as some of its advanced intelligence/surveillance/tracking systems. “We’re not sure why titanium bathtubs are now a selling point on aircraft that fly CAS missions, especially since they all loiter between 10,000 to 15,000 feet, out of the range of anti-aircraft guns… but hell, if it’ll shut those keyboard generals up, we’ll do it. Anything to keep all of that spam off our Facebook page’s comment section.” said Frank Philips, a program engineer involved with the F-35D+
Additionally, heeding the advice of the Facebook commenters, who presumably have aeronautical/aerospace engineering experience as well as an intimate understanding of the mechanics and specifics of close air support and battlefield air interdiction, the F-35D+ will carry the legendary GAU-8 Avenger 30mm Gatling cannon, originally designed to bust Soviet armored vehicles such as tanks and armored personnel carriers. Philips told TACAIRNET reporters: “We had to remove the F135 engine and bore a long hole through the length of the aircraft, but we managed to do it. We put the Avenger in the jet, just like everybody wanted. Will you all please just shut up now?”
As it has no real ability to fly anymore, the F-35D+ will have to be towed into position using a High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle whereupon its cannon will be hand-cranked by a team of enlisted airmen. “This is what they asked for: they wanted something low and slow, and you can’t get any lower or slower than a broke-ass Humvee pulling a 50,000 lb mass of stealthy dead weight on wheels.” said Gen. Clayton Phelps, whose branch of service we are still unsure of.
* Editors Note: After interviewing Mr. Philips, a team of orderlies and doctors from the Los Angeles Mental Health Institution appeared on-site and took custody of him. We have been led to assume that Mr. Philips is NOT a member of the F-35 development team and does not speak for Lockheed Martin in any way, shape or form. We apologize for any confusion this may have caused.
** Editors Note: Happy April Fools again!
5 thoughts on “F-35D+ to Feature Titanium Bathtub and GAU-8 Avenger”
Reblogged this on Among The Joshua Trees.
Ian…well done man. My co-worker and I laughed so hard out loud reading this. We literally had tears streaming down our faces. Hilarious!!!
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Thanks Jimmy, I’m glad I had y’all howling! This is the one day every year that I get to mess with people using the site and I try to make it as funny as I can! Stay tuned for next year!